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All Deviations
All Deviations


You can't expect a miracle to pass by everyday
It is hard enough to get the ordinary, anyway
And we all hate regretting
And we can't comprehend forgetting;
For as long as I've known you
And far as we've gone
Did we pay our own prices
When we should have moved on?
And will you look at me with children's eyes?
"Was it worth all the fighting, the pain?
Was it worth all your anger and crying?
Are you lying?"
And I'll say, "It's worth it, no lies."

We've been put through every hell
And some heavens as well
But time never stays
Nor varies our days;
Will I marry some peasant
Or will you a good scout?
Will it seem very pleasant
Just before they walk out?
Will your girl pray to God a childrens' prayer?
"Would you have kissed your very first love, Mommy?
Would you gladly have carried his child?
Or is that too wild?"
And you'll say, "Maybe, but Father was there."

And we never do learn just how high we should reach
Ambition is something schools never can teach
Will our wax wings melt?
Can love really be felt?
When I sacrifice all
Will I sacrifice you?
A dreamer is one thing
But I need my friend, too
Will my boy sing to me a childrens' song?
"Would you have burned that one bridge, Mommy, and danced?
As innings were closing, thrown your last pitch?
And which?"
And I'll say, "Yes, but I waited too long."

I promised you nothing
So don't bind to me
And I asked you for nothing;
There's nothing to see
You can't ask me to change
But I will if you do
Don't expect me to hold
Unless it's for you...

If there's one thing worth learning, you taught it to me
And I gave you some wings and both my eyes to see
Will we take our last bow?
When will we kow tow?
Well, sure it was pretty
But pretty things end
Was it worth all the prices
To call you my friend?
And will I look at you with childrens' hope?
"Would you have traded me in for a barrel of gold?
Would you accept the deal to change your past?
Your one chance, your last?"
And you'll say...."Nope."
©2006-2008 *NightShadow13
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Submitted: August 19, 2006
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Author's Comments

As some of you will note, yesterday was Hanna and I's "anniversary," thingy, and in honoro of that occasion, I went pawing through our first emails. our friendship has changed absolutely drastically since then, and this was my way of reflecting on it. Most humbly dedicated to her in the hopes I can badger Austen into composing something for it for me.

Concrit encouraged, I worked hard on this one and I really like it...
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*Agent-Chauvelin:iconAgent-Chauvelin: Aug 19, 2006, 10:00:20 AM
....Touched...really. I'm awful at crit, so I'll just leave this with :glomp:

My friend, we really have come a long way, haven't we?

--
"I don't like too much black in one place...except if it's in chocolate cake...I loooooooooooove chocolate cake."

"Oh no, I love black. Just not on me. Or anyone I know...of course, if I had YOUR complexion, I might wear black too!"
~Doug-Unit:iconDoug-Unit: Aug 19, 2006, 10:37:37 AM Mood: Approval
Alright, you requested critique, and I shall try to do that, but forgive me if I stray.

The rhyme scheme was interesting, especially toward the end of the individual stanzas. However, the deviation of the fourth stanza from the rest of the poem does seem to break up the flow of it all as a poem. But that is not necessarily a bad thing. I like the breaking up of it as a change of pace, but to be perfectly honest, if you took that one stanza and turned it into a chorus, this works much better as lyrics than as a poem.

Overall, this is excellent. The words are touching, and it easily conveys what I think to be a rather accurate sum-up of the unique relationship that you and Hanna have. I also enjoy the future-sight of the poem and how that conveys that there is no doubt about how things will end up between you two.

For the benefit of this work, I highly suggest that you rework this into lyrics that can be set to music. As it is, it would not work, but you can easily make it do what you want if you just spread out that fourth stanza. I would also like to see you change the point of view, because this could work wonderfully as a duet, but as it is, it works well as a solo. I think it would just work better if it was sung between two people.

I sincerely hope that this was in the vein of what you wanted. Well done, Emily. It is beautiful.

--
"Who could imagine that math is sexier than a horny, singing, sexy suitor?"
*NightShadow13:iconNightShadow13: Aug 19, 2006, 10:51:41 AM
That's perfect, Douglas! As for the lyrics, that's fine, since I classified it under poem > songs, and am currently scheming ways to possibly put it to music. But that was a very, very helpful critique, thank you very, very much.

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Contest! Enter to keep me from crying!: [link]
...
People try and make Erik sexy. He's not. I mean, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm not attracted to men who are missing parts of their face.
*NightShadow13:iconNightShadow13: Aug 19, 2006, 10:53:27 AM
I rather thought so. But you liked it? :heart:

--
Contest! Enter to keep me from crying!: [link]
...
People try and make Erik sexy. He's not. I mean, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm not attracted to men who are missing parts of their face.
*Agent-Chauvelin:iconAgent-Chauvelin: Aug 19, 2006, 11:13:20 AM
:aww: Oh yes! It was wonderful!

--
"I don't like too much black in one place...except if it's in chocolate cake...I loooooooooooove chocolate cake."

"Oh no, I love black. Just not on me. Or anyone I know...of course, if I had YOUR complexion, I might wear black too!"
*NightShadow13:iconNightShadow13: Aug 19, 2006, 5:08:09 PM
:dance:!

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Contest! Enter to keep me from crying!: [link]
...
People try and make Erik sexy. He's not. I mean, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm not attracted to men who are missing parts of their face.
~Doug-Unit:iconDoug-Unit: Aug 19, 2006, 10:06:09 PM
Glad I could be of service, madame.

--
"Who could imagine that math is sexier than a horny, singing, sexy suitor?"
*Agent-Chauvelin:iconAgent-Chauvelin: Aug 19, 2006, 10:12:30 PM
:boogie:

--
"I don't like too much black in one place...except if it's in chocolate cake...I loooooooooooove chocolate cake."

"Oh no, I love black. Just not on me. Or anyone I know...of course, if I had YOUR complexion, I might wear black too!"
~AAPRRILL:iconAAPRRILL: Jan 10, 2007, 10:15:10 PM
This is very nice, Emily! I can't believe I didn't notice this before! The first stanza is my favorite.

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My father always said good things happen to good people. Now I know he was wrong.